Not Sure I Like August

I'm sure that August is a perfectly lovely month.  Many people that I love were born in the month of August.  Kids go back to school.  The heat of summer is beginning to abate. 

August is also the month in which I lost 4 babies.  My first miscarriage was in August 1997.  I didn't even know I was pregnant until I lost the baby.  It was devastating.  My marriage at the time was taking more of a toll on me then the loss, so it is really a blur.  It helped me make some big life changing decisions though.  In a way it saved me.  That's a story for another time.

My third miscarriage was also in August.  August 2005 brought yet another loss.  I had three beautiful children at home and we were looking forward to adding another.  My kids pulled me through.  I didn't want to have to face the world, but I had to.  Not for myself, but for them.

My fourth miscarriage was August 2007.  By this time we had had our fourth child and wanted to add one last child to our family.  We felt strongly that there was one more baby for our family to be complete.  Instead we were trying to come to grips with yet another loss.  I spent the afternoon on a doctors table have ultrasounds, one after another, to confirm what I already knew.  That night I had a meeting to attend.  I wanted to do anything but attend a meeting where I was to be recognized for my volunteer efforts.  Instead I went, I smiled, I chatted, was perfectly pleasant all while I felt I was dying inside.

One year later in August 2008 I had my final miscarriage, my sixth.  I was done.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I slipped into a deep depression.  My hormones were completely out of whack, my body was revolting, and I felt like my world had come to a screeching halt.  Of course it hadn't, but at the time it felt like it must have.

And that is why I'm not sure if I like August.  I'd been feeling really out of sorts the past week.  Then it hit me as to why.  That memory of loss is still there.  However after three years the hurt isn't so bad.  It hasn't gone away, I don't think it will ever go away.  I don't think I would want it to completely go away as that would mean I've forgotten.  Instead I will try and focus on the happy things in life.  The huge grin on my 5 year olds face on her first day of kindergarten.  My kids lining up for hugs, kisses and squishes before they go to bed.  Curling up with my 11 year old and a more "grown up" book as we read out loud together after the little kids have gone to bed.  Listening to my 7 year old tell me his latest joke and watching the twinkle in his eye.  Watching my 8 year old as she dances around the room.  Those are the things that make it all worth it.  Yes the pain is still there.  I'll be a little depressed for the time being, but at the end of the day everything really will be all right.