Pregnancy, Loss, and Hope

One of my best friends brother and his wife recently had a miscarriage.  As did a wonderful woman I was following through her IVF journey on Momslikeme.  My heart just breaks for them.  I have been in their shoes many times, too many times.  When I heard their news I experienced many emotions.  My heart dropped, then felt like it was taken out and stomped on.  My mind reeled, emotions skewed.  That is a pain that you never, ever forget.  I wish there was something I could do for them, but there isn't.  It's a place that you have to come out of yourself.  You can be a support.  You can give them a hug.  Take them a meal.  Be a shoulder to cry on.  Yet you can't take the pain away.

This is one of those roller coasters no one should ever have to ride.  The excitement of pregnancy.  The euphoria at the thought of that new baby.  The hormonal changes.  Then the loss.  The plunge straight down.  Despair.  More hormonal changes.  Bad roller coaster. 

Before I become all about doom and gloom, I did find hope in my miscarriages.  I believe, 100% believe, in eternal families.  That we WILL be together with them again someday.  I know that those children are waiting for the rest of their family to join them.  That they were so special that they only needed those shorts months of developing their small bodies.  They didn't need to go through the trails that this life brings.  Instead they are waiting with my family that has already past on.  With their grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings.  There are those who might think I've lost it and that's fine if you do.  We all believe what we will.  For me, this is what I believe.  I believe that my family can be together forever.  And someday, not too soon, but some day I'll hold those babies in my arms.

I found the following on a website called Remembering Peanut.  I wanted to share it here for anyone who might have a friend or a loved one who experienced a loss, as often people aren't sure what to say or do.

What to do:
Acknowledge the loss: No matter how early it may have been, a miscarriage is a very heartbreaking experience for a woman and her partner. Even if it's something you can't fully understand, it is something that you should respect.

Let them know you're thinking of them: Whether just by telling the family that they are in your thoughts, or sending a card or flowers, this simple notion is priceless and much appreciated.

Keep in contact: Although expressing your sympathies immediately after the loss is appreciated, it is even more appreciated when the contact is repeated days, even weeks, later. You do not need to suffocate the person by constantly asking how they are, but by occasionally letting them know you are still thinking of them and wishing them well, you are letting them know how much you care.

Offer assistance: Ask them if there is anything you can do. This may include spending time with the person, or just listening if needed. Often, just the offer is appreciated.

Offer prayers: Although some people may not be religious or may be angry with God, you can still at least offer your prayers. However, don't force your beliefs on to someone, and don't assume that even if the person DOES believe in God that they aren't feeling pain.

Remember Dad and the rest of the family: Don't assume it's just the mother that's grieving. The father, and other family members can also be devestated by a pregnancy loss.

Remember important dates: Important dates such as the due date or the anniversary of the loss will forever be etched in their memories. By acknowledging these dates, you offer much support and encrouragement.

Things NOT to do or say:Don't ignore the loss, or avoid talking about it: Although it's understandable that you may not want to be a "downer" or contribute to someone's sorrow by "reminding" them of the loss, the truth is that they will never forget it and will never be able to ignore their grief. You do not have to feel you constantly need to talk about it or that it's the only thing you can talk about, but an acknowledgment of some kind, early and occasionally, actively shows support.
Don't assume that because the loss was early, or if it was a molar pregnancy, it's not really a big deal: One of the most devestating comments a woman can hear is ""It's not even a real baby!" No matter how good your intentions, those words are hurtful: pregnancy, no matter how short of a time, is a life-changing experience for a woman and her partner, and from day one they accept the pregnancy as a promise of their baby. For them, it's very real.

Don't assume that because it's common, it's not a big deal: Miscarriages in the first trimester are fairly common (20-25% and upwards), and virtually any woman who gets pregnant knows this. From day one, she realizes this is a possibility. So should she have a miscarriage, there is no need to remind her how common it is or assume that it being common will mean she'll be able to get over it quicker. Despite it's "commonness", the fact is that it happened to HER and that she is grieving THIS loss.

Don't say it's God's plan and/or it's for the best: Some people do not believe in God and just don't want to hear about it being part of a plan. Or, some people believe in God and already believe it's part of a plan-- but that doesn't change the fact that they're still grieving. Likewise, making comments that the child could have been deformed and that's it's for the best has little comfort. It does not change the fact that there was a loss, and that that loss hurts.

Don't say that you can try again or "At least you can get pregnant!": For some couples, getting pregnant is very difficult. For some couples, this pregnancy was a first and last time deal. Some couples choose not to get pregnant again; some couples CAN'T get pregnant again. Furthermore, fertility is not the only issue at hand; the loss of THIS pregnancy is devestating, and a future pregnancy, as joyful as it may be, will not replace the loss of this one.

Don't try to find fault or question past actions, signs, or symptoms: Don't ask if there was something inconspicuous that could have "caused" this-- ie, playing a game of vollyball, eating a ham sandwhich, etc. Also, don't say something along the lines of "I knew there was something wrong when you said you were sick the other day..." The truth of the matter is that most of the times nothing causes a loss, and nothing can be done to prevent it. And if something was wrong, it is much more probably that the mother knew long before anyone else did.

Don't ask if the person is "back to normal": Asking if the person is done grieving and is "back to normal" is insensitive. A better question to ask is "How are you doing?"

Sorry this ended up being so long.  Thanks for hanging in there if you did.  Obviously this is a topic very near and dear to my heart.