Loss and Grieving

My brother-in-law and his wife just lost a baby to miscarriage recently.  My heart goes out to them and breaks for them.  It has brought back so many emotions for me this past week.  All the talk of miscarriage has brought to the forefront the memories of my losses.  The memories are still all too fresh and clear to me even though it has been a couple years since my last.  My brother-in-law and his wife decided to bury the fetus yesterday.  My sweet husband took the morning off and went to the burial so I could stay home.  I know I should have gone to be a support, but emotionally I know I could not have handled it.  I've been depressed and crying so much this past week as it is.  Part of that is for their loss and part for mine.  Miscarriage just sucks.  No matter how you look at it or how far along you were it is never fun.  It is  always heart wrenching.  I am sure I will always mourn those babies that did not make it.  However I will forever be grateful for the ones who did make it.

Saying Goodbye

Last Friday I attended a funeral for a beautiful woman, Rebecca Wingo.  She was one of those people who was beautiful not just on the outside, but on the inside.  Her smile would light up a room and she was a self-proclaimed hugger. 

I left early for the funeral so that I could pick up a couple hams that had been donated by the Honey Baked Ham Company.  I found where we were to set up food and met one of the other ladies bringing food coming in.  We got a ham ready to be served and went out to wait for the others bringing food.  While we were waiting I was asked if I would let people know they could have a t-shirt.  Rebecca's favorite color was purple and there were purple t-shirts with a beautiful RW logo and her picture on the back.  So I spent the next hour and a half greeting mourners, handing out t-shirts and memorial cards, and letting them know where to find the food.  I did not know many of those who I greeted, but we all knew Rebecca.  I received many hugs.  I shared tears and smiles.  I was thankful to be able to help out in that small way. 

Once the funeral was ready to begin I slipped inside the doors.  It as standing room only and so I waited in the foyer.  When a member of the Air Force honor guard played taps as others from the honor guard handed folded flags to Rebecca's daughters and her mother it really hit home.  I was going to sit on a sofa in the foyer, but another friend found me and took me back to the room where my MLM friends were.  For those who do not know, MLM was a mom's website which was shut down last year.  While it was up I met many amazing women who I call friends, those friends included Rebecca. We had the funeral piped into the room we were in, but mainly spent our time remembering Rebecca in our own way.  We shared memories of her, we smiled and we laughed.  We felt that was how she would have wanted to remember her.  At the end of the funeral purple and silver balloons were released and swirled off into the distance.  We fed many more people, received many more hugs, we said good-bye one last time to Rebecca.  At the end of the night we packed up all the leftover food which had been donated and it was taken to feed Rebecca's family for the next few nights. 

At the end of the night I was one of the last few people to leave the funeral home.  I was exhausted, both physically and mentally.  However, I was also comforted and uplifted.  I am glad that I went to pay my last respects to Rebecca.  I am glad that I was able to help in my small way.  I am glad that I was able to know Rebecca.

Her Smile
Though her smile is gone forever,

And her hand I cannot touch,

I still have so many memories,

Of the one I loved so much.
Her memory is my keepsake,

with which I'll never part.

God has her in his keeping,

I have her in my heart.
Sadly missed,

but never forgotten.

For those who may want to help out Rebecca's daughters, their father has asked for all donations to go to the girls 529 fund that he and Rebecca set up before her death. 

‎529 Fund for the Wingo Girls - checks must be made payable to Nebraska Educational Savings Trust. In the memo line, include the account number

Nebraska Educational Savings Trust
NEST Advisor College Savings Plan

P.O. Box 30277
Omaha, NE 68103-1377

Account Number: 748788940-01 only checks please or Paypal acct 529 for Wingo Girls.

Don't Forget to Say "I Love You"

It has been a strange few days.  Archer was gone to scout camp this week, my sweetheart is in Mexico City, and so it was just the three youngest and I for most of the week.  We did fine alone, but it just has not felt right in the house all week.  Thankfully my best friend helped to keep us busy so we were not sitting home feeling lonely.  We took the kids to see Spy Kids 4 (part of a summer movie series), took the kids swimming, and took them to see the new Spiderman movie. 

The night before we went to see the Spiderman movie, technically the early morning, there was a shooting at a movie theater nearby.  Twelve people died and 58 (I believe) were injured.  It gave us a moment of pause before we headed to the theater.  In the end we decided that we could not let fear rule us.  Plus I did not want to explain the shooting to my kids, they did not and do not need to know about it right now.  There is enough time for them to be confronted by the evil things in the world as they get older.  Instead I will let them live in their peaceful childhood for as long as possible.  Unfortunately many children no longer have that peace.  Two of those children belong to an acquaintance of mine who lost her life in the shooting.  Thankfully those girls are surrounded by people who love them, but they lost their mother due to an evil man.  My heart goes out to all those effected by this shooting.

I really am looking forward to my sweetheart returning home tomorrow and being able to curl up in his arms.  Maybe I'll let myself have a good cry.  If I'm honest I won't let myself, it will just happen as I tend to blubber like a baby on a regular basis since my last miscarriage.  I would rather do it with my husband there to comfort me though.  Tonight I have all my children home, safe in bed.  I hope they know how much I love them, I try to show them all the time how much I love them.  Do not forget to hold those you love close.  Let them know how much you love them.  Do not let the little petty things get in the way.  You never know what will happen in life, so live it fully and with much love, happiness, and joy.

Pregnancy, Loss, and Hope

One of my best friends brother and his wife recently had a miscarriage.  As did a wonderful woman I was following through her IVF journey on Momslikeme.  My heart just breaks for them.  I have been in their shoes many times, too many times.  When I heard their news I experienced many emotions.  My heart dropped, then felt like it was taken out and stomped on.  My mind reeled, emotions skewed.  That is a pain that you never, ever forget.  I wish there was something I could do for them, but there isn't.  It's a place that you have to come out of yourself.  You can be a support.  You can give them a hug.  Take them a meal.  Be a shoulder to cry on.  Yet you can't take the pain away.

This is one of those roller coasters no one should ever have to ride.  The excitement of pregnancy.  The euphoria at the thought of that new baby.  The hormonal changes.  Then the loss.  The plunge straight down.  Despair.  More hormonal changes.  Bad roller coaster. 

Before I become all about doom and gloom, I did find hope in my miscarriages.  I believe, 100% believe, in eternal families.  That we WILL be together with them again someday.  I know that those children are waiting for the rest of their family to join them.  That they were so special that they only needed those shorts months of developing their small bodies.  They didn't need to go through the trails that this life brings.  Instead they are waiting with my family that has already past on.  With their grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings.  There are those who might think I've lost it and that's fine if you do.  We all believe what we will.  For me, this is what I believe.  I believe that my family can be together forever.  And someday, not too soon, but some day I'll hold those babies in my arms.

I found the following on a website called Remembering Peanut.  I wanted to share it here for anyone who might have a friend or a loved one who experienced a loss, as often people aren't sure what to say or do.

What to do:
Acknowledge the loss: No matter how early it may have been, a miscarriage is a very heartbreaking experience for a woman and her partner. Even if it's something you can't fully understand, it is something that you should respect.

Let them know you're thinking of them: Whether just by telling the family that they are in your thoughts, or sending a card or flowers, this simple notion is priceless and much appreciated.

Keep in contact: Although expressing your sympathies immediately after the loss is appreciated, it is even more appreciated when the contact is repeated days, even weeks, later. You do not need to suffocate the person by constantly asking how they are, but by occasionally letting them know you are still thinking of them and wishing them well, you are letting them know how much you care.

Offer assistance: Ask them if there is anything you can do. This may include spending time with the person, or just listening if needed. Often, just the offer is appreciated.

Offer prayers: Although some people may not be religious or may be angry with God, you can still at least offer your prayers. However, don't force your beliefs on to someone, and don't assume that even if the person DOES believe in God that they aren't feeling pain.

Remember Dad and the rest of the family: Don't assume it's just the mother that's grieving. The father, and other family members can also be devestated by a pregnancy loss.

Remember important dates: Important dates such as the due date or the anniversary of the loss will forever be etched in their memories. By acknowledging these dates, you offer much support and encrouragement.

Things NOT to do or say:Don't ignore the loss, or avoid talking about it: Although it's understandable that you may not want to be a "downer" or contribute to someone's sorrow by "reminding" them of the loss, the truth is that they will never forget it and will never be able to ignore their grief. You do not have to feel you constantly need to talk about it or that it's the only thing you can talk about, but an acknowledgment of some kind, early and occasionally, actively shows support.
Don't assume that because the loss was early, or if it was a molar pregnancy, it's not really a big deal: One of the most devestating comments a woman can hear is ""It's not even a real baby!" No matter how good your intentions, those words are hurtful: pregnancy, no matter how short of a time, is a life-changing experience for a woman and her partner, and from day one they accept the pregnancy as a promise of their baby. For them, it's very real.

Don't assume that because it's common, it's not a big deal: Miscarriages in the first trimester are fairly common (20-25% and upwards), and virtually any woman who gets pregnant knows this. From day one, she realizes this is a possibility. So should she have a miscarriage, there is no need to remind her how common it is or assume that it being common will mean she'll be able to get over it quicker. Despite it's "commonness", the fact is that it happened to HER and that she is grieving THIS loss.

Don't say it's God's plan and/or it's for the best: Some people do not believe in God and just don't want to hear about it being part of a plan. Or, some people believe in God and already believe it's part of a plan-- but that doesn't change the fact that they're still grieving. Likewise, making comments that the child could have been deformed and that's it's for the best has little comfort. It does not change the fact that there was a loss, and that that loss hurts.

Don't say that you can try again or "At least you can get pregnant!": For some couples, getting pregnant is very difficult. For some couples, this pregnancy was a first and last time deal. Some couples choose not to get pregnant again; some couples CAN'T get pregnant again. Furthermore, fertility is not the only issue at hand; the loss of THIS pregnancy is devestating, and a future pregnancy, as joyful as it may be, will not replace the loss of this one.

Don't try to find fault or question past actions, signs, or symptoms: Don't ask if there was something inconspicuous that could have "caused" this-- ie, playing a game of vollyball, eating a ham sandwhich, etc. Also, don't say something along the lines of "I knew there was something wrong when you said you were sick the other day..." The truth of the matter is that most of the times nothing causes a loss, and nothing can be done to prevent it. And if something was wrong, it is much more probably that the mother knew long before anyone else did.

Don't ask if the person is "back to normal": Asking if the person is done grieving and is "back to normal" is insensitive. A better question to ask is "How are you doing?"

Sorry this ended up being so long.  Thanks for hanging in there if you did.  Obviously this is a topic very near and dear to my heart.

Not Sure I Like August

I'm sure that August is a perfectly lovely month.  Many people that I love were born in the month of August.  Kids go back to school.  The heat of summer is beginning to abate. 

August is also the month in which I lost 4 babies.  My first miscarriage was in August 1997.  I didn't even know I was pregnant until I lost the baby.  It was devastating.  My marriage at the time was taking more of a toll on me then the loss, so it is really a blur.  It helped me make some big life changing decisions though.  In a way it saved me.  That's a story for another time.

My third miscarriage was also in August.  August 2005 brought yet another loss.  I had three beautiful children at home and we were looking forward to adding another.  My kids pulled me through.  I didn't want to have to face the world, but I had to.  Not for myself, but for them.

My fourth miscarriage was August 2007.  By this time we had had our fourth child and wanted to add one last child to our family.  We felt strongly that there was one more baby for our family to be complete.  Instead we were trying to come to grips with yet another loss.  I spent the afternoon on a doctors table have ultrasounds, one after another, to confirm what I already knew.  That night I had a meeting to attend.  I wanted to do anything but attend a meeting where I was to be recognized for my volunteer efforts.  Instead I went, I smiled, I chatted, was perfectly pleasant all while I felt I was dying inside.

One year later in August 2008 I had my final miscarriage, my sixth.  I was done.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I slipped into a deep depression.  My hormones were completely out of whack, my body was revolting, and I felt like my world had come to a screeching halt.  Of course it hadn't, but at the time it felt like it must have.

And that is why I'm not sure if I like August.  I'd been feeling really out of sorts the past week.  Then it hit me as to why.  That memory of loss is still there.  However after three years the hurt isn't so bad.  It hasn't gone away, I don't think it will ever go away.  I don't think I would want it to completely go away as that would mean I've forgotten.  Instead I will try and focus on the happy things in life.  The huge grin on my 5 year olds face on her first day of kindergarten.  My kids lining up for hugs, kisses and squishes before they go to bed.  Curling up with my 11 year old and a more "grown up" book as we read out loud together after the little kids have gone to bed.  Listening to my 7 year old tell me his latest joke and watching the twinkle in his eye.  Watching my 8 year old as she dances around the room.  Those are the things that make it all worth it.  Yes the pain is still there.  I'll be a little depressed for the time being, but at the end of the day everything really will be all right.