Pregnancy, Loss, and Hope

One of my best friends brother and his wife recently had a miscarriage.  As did a wonderful woman I was following through her IVF journey on Momslikeme.  My heart just breaks for them.  I have been in their shoes many times, too many times.  When I heard their news I experienced many emotions.  My heart dropped, then felt like it was taken out and stomped on.  My mind reeled, emotions skewed.  That is a pain that you never, ever forget.  I wish there was something I could do for them, but there isn't.  It's a place that you have to come out of yourself.  You can be a support.  You can give them a hug.  Take them a meal.  Be a shoulder to cry on.  Yet you can't take the pain away.

This is one of those roller coasters no one should ever have to ride.  The excitement of pregnancy.  The euphoria at the thought of that new baby.  The hormonal changes.  Then the loss.  The plunge straight down.  Despair.  More hormonal changes.  Bad roller coaster. 

Before I become all about doom and gloom, I did find hope in my miscarriages.  I believe, 100% believe, in eternal families.  That we WILL be together with them again someday.  I know that those children are waiting for the rest of their family to join them.  That they were so special that they only needed those shorts months of developing their small bodies.  They didn't need to go through the trails that this life brings.  Instead they are waiting with my family that has already past on.  With their grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings.  There are those who might think I've lost it and that's fine if you do.  We all believe what we will.  For me, this is what I believe.  I believe that my family can be together forever.  And someday, not too soon, but some day I'll hold those babies in my arms.

I found the following on a website called Remembering Peanut.  I wanted to share it here for anyone who might have a friend or a loved one who experienced a loss, as often people aren't sure what to say or do.

What to do:
Acknowledge the loss: No matter how early it may have been, a miscarriage is a very heartbreaking experience for a woman and her partner. Even if it's something you can't fully understand, it is something that you should respect.

Let them know you're thinking of them: Whether just by telling the family that they are in your thoughts, or sending a card or flowers, this simple notion is priceless and much appreciated.

Keep in contact: Although expressing your sympathies immediately after the loss is appreciated, it is even more appreciated when the contact is repeated days, even weeks, later. You do not need to suffocate the person by constantly asking how they are, but by occasionally letting them know you are still thinking of them and wishing them well, you are letting them know how much you care.

Offer assistance: Ask them if there is anything you can do. This may include spending time with the person, or just listening if needed. Often, just the offer is appreciated.

Offer prayers: Although some people may not be religious or may be angry with God, you can still at least offer your prayers. However, don't force your beliefs on to someone, and don't assume that even if the person DOES believe in God that they aren't feeling pain.

Remember Dad and the rest of the family: Don't assume it's just the mother that's grieving. The father, and other family members can also be devestated by a pregnancy loss.

Remember important dates: Important dates such as the due date or the anniversary of the loss will forever be etched in their memories. By acknowledging these dates, you offer much support and encrouragement.

Things NOT to do or say:Don't ignore the loss, or avoid talking about it: Although it's understandable that you may not want to be a "downer" or contribute to someone's sorrow by "reminding" them of the loss, the truth is that they will never forget it and will never be able to ignore their grief. You do not have to feel you constantly need to talk about it or that it's the only thing you can talk about, but an acknowledgment of some kind, early and occasionally, actively shows support.
Don't assume that because the loss was early, or if it was a molar pregnancy, it's not really a big deal: One of the most devestating comments a woman can hear is ""It's not even a real baby!" No matter how good your intentions, those words are hurtful: pregnancy, no matter how short of a time, is a life-changing experience for a woman and her partner, and from day one they accept the pregnancy as a promise of their baby. For them, it's very real.

Don't assume that because it's common, it's not a big deal: Miscarriages in the first trimester are fairly common (20-25% and upwards), and virtually any woman who gets pregnant knows this. From day one, she realizes this is a possibility. So should she have a miscarriage, there is no need to remind her how common it is or assume that it being common will mean she'll be able to get over it quicker. Despite it's "commonness", the fact is that it happened to HER and that she is grieving THIS loss.

Don't say it's God's plan and/or it's for the best: Some people do not believe in God and just don't want to hear about it being part of a plan. Or, some people believe in God and already believe it's part of a plan-- but that doesn't change the fact that they're still grieving. Likewise, making comments that the child could have been deformed and that's it's for the best has little comfort. It does not change the fact that there was a loss, and that that loss hurts.

Don't say that you can try again or "At least you can get pregnant!": For some couples, getting pregnant is very difficult. For some couples, this pregnancy was a first and last time deal. Some couples choose not to get pregnant again; some couples CAN'T get pregnant again. Furthermore, fertility is not the only issue at hand; the loss of THIS pregnancy is devestating, and a future pregnancy, as joyful as it may be, will not replace the loss of this one.

Don't try to find fault or question past actions, signs, or symptoms: Don't ask if there was something inconspicuous that could have "caused" this-- ie, playing a game of vollyball, eating a ham sandwhich, etc. Also, don't say something along the lines of "I knew there was something wrong when you said you were sick the other day..." The truth of the matter is that most of the times nothing causes a loss, and nothing can be done to prevent it. And if something was wrong, it is much more probably that the mother knew long before anyone else did.

Don't ask if the person is "back to normal": Asking if the person is done grieving and is "back to normal" is insensitive. A better question to ask is "How are you doing?"

Sorry this ended up being so long.  Thanks for hanging in there if you did.  Obviously this is a topic very near and dear to my heart.

That's Adorable!

This would be my youngest childs new favorite phrase.  Let me tell you how adorable that is coming from the mouth of a 5 year old little girl.  Earlier tonight we were coloring and she declared "Oh mom!  I love those birds.  They are so adorable!".  When speaking of kittens, puppies, or babies in general - they are so adorable.  Speak to her about flowers and butterflies, that's adorable.  Want to know what I think is adorable?  Her!  She is so stinking cute!  One of her newest things is a hair flip.  To make her hair "look nice" she puts her head upside down, pushes her hair down and then flips her head up.  She laughs everytime.  I'm not sure where she learned it, I swear I don't do this! 

Read, Read, Read

“Read. Read. Read. Read the word of God in sacred books of scripture. Read from the great literature of the ages. Read what is being said in our day and time and what will be said in the future.”
~ Gordon B. Hinckley

I love to read!  One of my favorite authors, Clive Cussler, recently asked his readers on Facebook to fill in this blank - I read to ______.   My immediate thought was I read to live.  Reading is a solace to me.  A place to calm my mind, expand my horizons, make me think about things I might not otherwise.  It is a quest for knowledge and wisdom.  Or sometimes just a quest for adventure and fun.  If I were unable to read I might very well go crazy.  Or at least become a much more onery person.

I will read most anything.  I prefer not to read horror books or romance books.  That is not to say that I don't like a little romance, or even horror, in my books; I just don't want it to be the main focus of the story.  I normally read three or four books at a time.  One of those books is always the scriptures.  Currently one is a biography, one is a young adult book, and one is a fun adult fiction.  I normally keep one book in my car for drop off and pick up at the school.  One is normally kept next to my bed.  The other is normally kept near my computer.  That way I always have a book on hand. 

I do love reading the scriptures with my children every night.  If we forget the kids definitely remind us.  It's not just reading them though, it is studying, discussing, and taking something away from them.  Not only are my children, hopefully, learning something; I am learning something. 

One of my favorite things to do is curl up with my kids, a book, possibly a blanket, and read out loud.  I'm grateful that even as they are getting older they still crave that time.  It is something special to share that time together. 

If I can instill a love of reading in my children, then I feel I will have done my job as a parent.  Or at least one of them. 

Swift Kick in the Pants

I often feel like I need a swift kick in the pants.  Just to get me going.  Probably not a hard kick, as I have a cracked coccyx and that would hurt; a gentle kick would do.  Starting a new schedule, a new routine is so stinking hard!  All things that are worthwhile are hard right? 

I really need to figure out a schedule for myself.  The kids are back in school.  The youngest just started kindergarten so I've got, realistically, 2 1/2 hours in the mornings with no kids.  I should be able to get a lot done right???  Not so much at this point.  I'm thinking I might need to make myself a job chart.  Plus a way to stay accountable to that job chart.  No Dr Pepper until the job is complete?  No, that's cruel and unusual.  It would probably work though.  Of course I am old enough that I shouldn't need a job chart, but I'm afraid I do.  That requires making a job chart.  Hmmmm.......swift kick in the pants might be required for that one too.

Part of the job chart would have to be working out.  I really need to do it more often.  It would help to strengthen my crappy knees.  So another swift kick needed there too.  Sheesh at this rate I'm not going to be able to sit down from being kicked so much!  That might not be a bad thing though.  ;)  So this post is my swift kick in the pants.  It's a visual reminder that I will be making myself that job chart.  Sooner rather than later would be good.  Now I just need to be accountable for that action.  Or someone needs to give me that kick.  I'm sure I know some people who would take me up on that.

The Important Things

I played softball this morning with some fabulous ladies and young women from church.  I've got bad knees (knee caps don't like to stay in place) and knew I shouldn't.  They needed an extra player though.  I did have a good time.  I've always enjoyed playing softball.  It left me in a lot of pain and walking with a limp.

Tonight I was supposed to take my boys to a MLS soccer game.  It was one of those moments of what is more important.  Taking my boys to the game or staying home and icing my knee?  At the end of the day, spending time with my boys is infinitely more important.  Yes my knee is killing me.  All the extra walking in the stadium, going up and down the stairs probably didn't help much.  However my boys are more than worth the pain.  I love spending time with my kids, all four of them.  Tonight though was about my boys.  We had a fabulous time.  We went to dinner, watched the game, talked, laughed, fanned each other, and sang songs at the tops of our lungs.  I love those two crazy boys.  They are growing up way too fast for me, but they are amazing!

Do you see what I see?

My sweet little girl has major vision issues.  Don't get me wrong, it could be much worse.  I am thankful that she can see what she can.  She works so hard to be able to see, to be able to make her eyes do what they are supposed to do.  It is often heartbreaking to see her struggle.  She has amblyopia in her left eye.  It began developing when she was very young and continued to get worse.  She was in glasses by 2 years old and when she was 5 years old we found out that she was blind in her left eye.  Her brain was suppressing all vision from that eye, which explained so much.  She constantly walked into things, tripped all the time, we thought she was just a clumsy child.

After we found out just how bad her vision was we began intensive vision therapy.  The improvement was slow at first, but very obvious.  She went from being at the bottom of her class at the beginning of kindergarten.  By the end of kindergarten she was towards the top of her class and halfway through first grade she was doing second grade work.  Had we not found out how bad her amblyopia was and put her in vision therapy I shudder to think what would have happened to her. 

Her vision therapist was amazing to work with.  She was blown away by how hard my girl worked to get her vision back.  Her teachers at school took everything we told them about her condition and did everything asked of them to help her succeed. 

She still needs to work every day to make her eyes work together.  It's a daily struggle.  It always will be.  She never complains.  She amazes me every day. 

Memories and Weddings

Today is the 15th anniversary of my first wedding.  I was young, in love, and looking forward to the future.  If I had known what that marriage would bring me I would have run and run far.  Instead I was over the moon in love.  Looking back it is so easy to see all the little signs that maybe something was off, not quite right.  Hindsight is definitely 20/20!  I don't regret that marriage.  I want to be able to say that I do, but I really don't regret it.  I would like to believe that I came out of it stronger.  That I am a better, more understanding and compassionate person. 

Abuse is something nobody should have to go through.  It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  The abuse is something that is with me to this day.  For the most part I have recovered from it, it took years and lots of loving care.  I don't know if those scars will ever completely heal.  Random things can cause the scabs to peel back, but they are never completely ripped off. 

Fifteen years ago I was in love with a kind, caring, loving, handsome man who I was marrying.  He didn't end up being who he'd portrayed himself to be, but at that time he was amazing. 

Facebook and a Soda

Sometimes Facebook is all you need to make someones day and in turn your own.  How often do we see a post from a friend asking for help or letting us know of a need.  It may be something as simple as a soda.  I had a friend earlier post that she could really use a cherry vanilla coke from Sonic.  I don't know about you, but I see posts like that on a fairly regular basis.  I've been known to post my desire for a Dr Pepper before.  That agency thing I talked about before comes into play here.  There is a choice to be made.  You can either act or not.  If you take no action nothing bad will happen.  However, if you choose to act on it you can lift someones day.  Something as small as a soda.  It's a lot bigger than just that soda though.  It's letting your friend know that you care.  That you heard them and that you acted upon that need.  Sometimes that need might be larger than a soda, but whether the need is small or large we have a choice to make.  Today I made the choice to pick up a soda for a couple friends who could use one while I was out.  It was a huge surprise to them and the smile on their faces made my whole day better.  Often helping another ends up helping you more than them.  It doesn't have to be something big, at times a smile is all that is needed.





Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped any one in need? 
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? 
If not I have failed indeed.

Rain is falling all around.....

I love the sound of the rain.  The smell of rain.  The feel of rain.  I think I just plain love the rain.  My son slept out on our deck last night in a tent.  So this afternoon when it rained the kids and I all grabbed pillows and headed out to the tent.  We all laid down and just listened.  It was fabulous!  The sound of the rain drumming on the roof of the tent.  The wind in the trees.  The birds chirping.  Even the annoying yappy dogs next door barking.  I love moments like those, especially when they are shared with my kids.

Free to Choose

Today in church I taught a lesson about agency to some wonderful 12-13 year old girls.  We discussed how we always have choices to make.  You can't avoid making choices; you also can't avoid the consequences of the choices that you make.  Not all consequences are bad.  I think we tend to hear the term consequence and put a negative conotation on it.  My husband said that it's because it starts with con, but if it started with pro (prosequences) we'd look at it in a positive light.  That just made me roll my eyes and laugh.  He has a point though. 

I do have to say that I am grateful that in my life I chose early to make certain decisions - to not drink alcohol, to not smoke, to not do drugs, to not swear, to wait until I was married to have sex.  When the time came when those things came up I had already made my choice.  I knew what my answer would be before the question was asked.  We can't always see the consequence of our choices immediately, but often we can.  I knew that by choosing to make these decisions early my life would be easier.  I didn't have that temptation to experiment with things that would be bad for my body.  It's made me think about what I'm saying.  It was never hard to say no to those things as the decision was already made.  I had wonderful friends who, even though they may have chosen to do some of those things themselves, helped me stick to my choices. 

We all have to make choices and live with the consequences of those choices.  So always take a moment to stop and think about the consequence of your actions.  The consequences of your words.  The consequence of your choice. 

Being Proud vs Being Prideful

A friend of mine today on Facebook asked "what is your proudest moment as a parent"?  That is a question that I'm not sure if I can answer as there are many moments that have made me proud.  The question almost crosses the line of being proud and being prideful.  Being proud of your children for something is wonderful and something all parents should feel.  Feeling pride in yourself as a parent is completely different though, as that is where you are taking all the credit.  What is your proudest moment or what moment do you take the most pride in.  Two completely different things, but which could both be taken from the statement. 

PROUD: feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something
PRIDEFUL: having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy

I know my friend did not mean her post to be about being prideful, but about being proud of your children.  It did make me think about the distinction though.  I will always be proud of my children and their accomplishments.  However, I must always be careful to never let that turn into pride. 

On the original question of proudest moment, it would vary by child.  My children are pretty amazing!  It's all them though.  They were born amazing.  I'm doing my best to be a good mother, a good example, a good guide; in reality I am just hanging on for the ride.

I am proud of my oldest for making and achieving his goal of receiving every belt loop that the cub scouts offer.  There are 53 of them!  I don't know of any other child that has done this.  He is very goal driven and doesn't let anything stop him from finding a way to achieve his dreams.

I am proud of my second child for working hard to overcome her vision disability.  She has worked really hard to turn her disability into something that she can control.  In the meantime, she has excelled at everything she has done.

I am proud of my third child for being such a creative child.  He loves to create.  You never know what he is going to come up with from one moment to the next.  What he comes up with never ceases to amaze me.

I am proud of my youngest for being a compassionate young girl.  She is so loving, kind, and caring.  She always wants to make sure everyone around her is happy and is great at being able to make those around her feel loved.

Filling the Well

I have a slow oil leak in my vehicle.  To repair it we'd have to remove the whole engine, so we haven't done it yet.  The leak is slow, but persistent.  We have to check the oil levels on a regular basis and make sure that it is topped off.  Today as I was driving my vehicle started dinging at me.  When I looked the oil light was on.  We had forgotten to check it the past couple weeks.  A quick stop at the gas station and a few dollars later the problem was fixed.  At least until next time. 

There is another kind of slow leak that I find in life.  That would be a spiritual one.  We all have a spiritual well to fill.  We can fill it in many different ways: church attendance, scripture study, prayer, time with family, walks in nature, good music, etc.  Like my vehicle, if it isn't attended to and topped off it can get low.  It doesn't happen all at once.  Just a little here and a little there.  You might not even notice at first that it is happening.  The great thing is, no matter how low your well might get it can always be filled.  I have to say that I am very grateful for those in my life who have been great examples of how to keep my well full and those who help me do it.  My parents were such great examples of how to keep my well full.  They not only told me how I could do it, but showed me how.  My children always help to keep me on track too.  There are nights when I just want to put them in bed and veg.  They always ask about reading scriptures together.  They want and need that time themselves.  In doing so they are helping me to fill my well.  I have some of the most fabulous friends a person could ask for.  Those who are there for me through anything.  Who help to lift me along the way.  Then there is my husband.  He is a keeper.  He always encourages me to be the best that I can be.  When I am surrounded by such great people how can I fail?  There are days where my well feels like it is a little low, but it never stays that way for long.

Life is like a box of chocolates....

You never know what you are going to get.  Or at least that's how the saying goes.  And in a lot of ways it is true.  Flavors come in both milk and dark chocolate.  They can include caramel, crisp, peanut butter, peanut cluster, strawberry cream, cashews, almonds and oh so many more. Some are sweet, some are slightly bitter.  Some are hard on the outside and smooth on the inside.  Some melt in your mouth, others you really have to chew.  There are those you just always hope that you get before someone else takes it out of the box.  After a while you begin to recognize those that you like, those that you are immediately drawn to and hope for.  There are also those that you aren't too fond of and try to avoid.

Have you ever noticed that it's kind of like neighbors?  You never know what you are going to get when a new neighbor moves in.  They might be tough on the outside, but gooey on the inside.  They might be sweet, they might be bitter.  There are those you are drawn to and there are those that you want to avoid.  The house next door has been a revolving door since we moved in.  About once a year there is someone new moving in.  For a while it was a rental.  For a while I wondered if it was us (not really, but you do have to wonder) or was there something wrong with the house?  The house just recently sold again and we'll have new neighbors in a month.  This time though we do know what we are going to get and we're excited!  My husband's friend and his family are moving in next door.  What will it be like to have a friend living next door?  Hopefully it will be like going back in time to my childhood, where everyone knew everyone else.  Where meals were shared.  Where smiles, laughter, and friendship bloomed.  So here's to the box of chocolates and being able to get your favorites!

Swimming

I have a goldfish.  No way a goldfish you might say?  Yep, a goldfish.  A ryukin goldfish to be exact.  He's pretty cool and named after one of our favorite soccer players.  Like all fish he spends his day swimming around in his bowl.  Unlike other fish, he likes to play dead.  Floating upside down at the top of his bowl dead.  The first time he did it I thought he WAS dead.  So I turned off the air pump, took off the lid of the tank, dunked in the net to scoop him out and he flips over and starts swimming again.  What the heck!  What fish does that?  My fish obviously.  Now we joke that one of these days he will be dead and we won't notice for a few days. 

What's the point of my ramblings about my fish?  Just this.  Everyone is different.  Some days I'd like to be able to play dead.  Flop on my bed and just lay there.  Relaxing and enjoying the scenery from a different angle.  Just for a little while.  Just to mix it up a little.  To look at things a little differently.  You never know what you might see if you just look at things in a slightly different light.

Not Sure I Like August

I'm sure that August is a perfectly lovely month.  Many people that I love were born in the month of August.  Kids go back to school.  The heat of summer is beginning to abate. 

August is also the month in which I lost 4 babies.  My first miscarriage was in August 1997.  I didn't even know I was pregnant until I lost the baby.  It was devastating.  My marriage at the time was taking more of a toll on me then the loss, so it is really a blur.  It helped me make some big life changing decisions though.  In a way it saved me.  That's a story for another time.

My third miscarriage was also in August.  August 2005 brought yet another loss.  I had three beautiful children at home and we were looking forward to adding another.  My kids pulled me through.  I didn't want to have to face the world, but I had to.  Not for myself, but for them.

My fourth miscarriage was August 2007.  By this time we had had our fourth child and wanted to add one last child to our family.  We felt strongly that there was one more baby for our family to be complete.  Instead we were trying to come to grips with yet another loss.  I spent the afternoon on a doctors table have ultrasounds, one after another, to confirm what I already knew.  That night I had a meeting to attend.  I wanted to do anything but attend a meeting where I was to be recognized for my volunteer efforts.  Instead I went, I smiled, I chatted, was perfectly pleasant all while I felt I was dying inside.

One year later in August 2008 I had my final miscarriage, my sixth.  I was done.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I slipped into a deep depression.  My hormones were completely out of whack, my body was revolting, and I felt like my world had come to a screeching halt.  Of course it hadn't, but at the time it felt like it must have.

And that is why I'm not sure if I like August.  I'd been feeling really out of sorts the past week.  Then it hit me as to why.  That memory of loss is still there.  However after three years the hurt isn't so bad.  It hasn't gone away, I don't think it will ever go away.  I don't think I would want it to completely go away as that would mean I've forgotten.  Instead I will try and focus on the happy things in life.  The huge grin on my 5 year olds face on her first day of kindergarten.  My kids lining up for hugs, kisses and squishes before they go to bed.  Curling up with my 11 year old and a more "grown up" book as we read out loud together after the little kids have gone to bed.  Listening to my 7 year old tell me his latest joke and watching the twinkle in his eye.  Watching my 8 year old as she dances around the room.  Those are the things that make it all worth it.  Yes the pain is still there.  I'll be a little depressed for the time being, but at the end of the day everything really will be all right.

To Blog or Not to Blog....

that is the question. Whether tis nobler to.....hmmmmm maybe Hamlet's not the best analogy here. lol Alas, it is the question though. I've been going back and forth on this lately. I think I *might* like to start a blog, but then I question that. What would I talk about? What if I had nothing to say? What if.....well you fill in the blank, I've probably thought it. I suppose a blog would be for me, not necessarily other people. What is the point of a blog if you don't share it though?

This is the question I posed to some awesome ladies I am lucky to call my friends earlier.  They encouraged me to give it a go.  So we'll see where this leads and where it all ends up.